


Cause in time we show our Achilles heels

by pseudofoucault333



Series: Malec Appreciation Week [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Feels, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coda, Feels, Hurt Alec, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane Feels, Post-Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, Protective Magnus Bane, Sad Alec, Sad Magnus, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 12:03:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11691237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudofoucault333/pseuds/pseudofoucault333
Summary: How Alec and Magnus try to deal with the reality of what happens next.





	Cause in time we show our Achilles heels

**Title:** Cause in time we show our Achilles heels  
**Author:** pseudofoucault333 // bloodspeckledraphael  
**Rating:** M  
**Pairing:** Magnus/Alec  
**POV:** 3rd  
**Summary:** How Alec and Magnus try to deal with the reality of what happens next. **Disclaimer:** The whole concept of Shadowhunters © the satan that is CC, don’t sue because the contents of my bank account is only worth next to nothing in US$. Also and I can't stress this enough I don't give permission for this or any other of my stuff to be reposted on Goodreads or anywhere else. If I find out it is I'll be pissed. Title © Bastille and Plot mostly based on fiction…i.e not real….but a girl can wish <3  
**Author Notes:** Currently unbeta'd, Written for Day 2 of [Malec Appreciation Week](http://bane--lightwood.tumblr.com/post/162806130174/so-because-i-love-alec-and-magnus-so-much-i), since I needed to get rid of this writer's block some how. Comments and Kudos = pwp and cookies :D

Alec’s hands shook as the doors of the elevator shut, hiding Magnus’ face and his whole body from his gaze. The feel of the warlock’s hand grazing against his cheek as he reassured him that he loved him seemed to burn into the skin, a constant reminder that even though they were separated that didn’t mean that the sentiment wasn’t still true. And though the logical part of him knew that Magnus had a good reason to do as he did, to put some space between them so he could work out what was going to happen next for his people in the war against Valentine, there was still the insecure side.

The side that seemed destined to believe that it was his own fault that this had happened. If he had only ignored his father when he told him not to tell his boyfriend they could still be together. They would be on the way to Magnus’ loft together after making sure that Max was fine, holding hands and making plans for a night under the covers together. That they wouldn’t be torn apart because of something that might seem so trivial but could end up costing Shadowhunter and Downworlder lives as they tried to get back the Mortal Instruments. And with Valentine’s son in the mix it was even more a game of cat and mouse.

And that was the part that seemed to win; to be the reason why the tears that had been brimming in his eyes when their hands parted and Magnus walked away from him were streaking down his cheeks. The reason why his legs were shaking as he stood in the middle of the hallway, unable to move when he should be going to check on his brother or go about his duties as the Head of the Institute. The reason he felt so empty, like his heart had been torn out of his chest. And the reason why he could feel the sobs bubbling in his throat that he refused to put a voice to.

He hardly ever cried, the last time he could recall was the night before his and Jace’s Parabatai ceremony, as he thought of the unfairness. At the fact he was so unnatural, due to be bound to the boy that he wanted as something so much more. It was a surprise that none of his family members had noticed how red rimmed his eyes were that day, as much as his smile had been forced.

But this was different. Because he’d had a taste of what it was like to be with Magnus, to experience the firsts together that he thought he could never have. To hear Magnus’ velvety voice calling him Alexander like it was the best word he ever had the chance of knowing. Of what the touch of Magnus’ bare skin felt like against his own, how Magnus’ fingers fit so perfectly between his own whether covered in his collection of rings or not. Of the taste of Magnus’ kiss on his tongue after however many minutes or hours they spent together. He had been sure that they were forever, or as close to forever as they could get. 

Which he knew was foolish, he didn’t need his Mom or Dad telling him how Magnus was his first love and it was normal to feel that way. Even now, as the numbness set in he was so sure.

“Alec? Where’s Magnus…. did you manage to talk to him?”

Izzy’s voice brought him from his thoughts of kisses, trips to Tokyo and flirtatious smiles that he would probably never be able to witness again. The sound of her heels clicking against the floor giving him enough warning to be able to wipe the tears from his eyes with his sleeve and take a shaky breath so he could face his sister without being barraged with questions.

“Alec?”

His gaze moved up from the floor when her heels were in his eye line, meeting her gaze with a small smile that she seemed to be able to see through by the frown that curved her brow.

“He….he had to get back to his loft Iz.” He managed to say, though his voice cracked giving the truth away to his sister whose frown deepened as she rested her hand on his cheek, brushing some stray tears away with her thumb like their Mom used to when he was younger.

“But are you guys ok or…?” Izzy asked, tilting her head as she tried to meet his gaze.

Alec’s lip trembled despite how he wanted to remain strong. The word Ok didn’t describe him and Magnus, not now…probably not ever. Or at least until this war was over with…and he only prayed they would both be able to survive it relatively unscathed.

“Ok, your lack of an answer is answer enough. Come on, let’s go to your room before someone sees you.” Izzy said, curling a hand around his wrist even as he shook his head.

“No, I er…I need to check in with the search teams that went out for any sightings of Jonathan and check in on Max…” Alec objected, through regardless found himself being pulled along by his little sister on shaky legs.

“Nope, not now you don’t. Mom said she’ll check in with the search teams and Jace and Clary are with Max who’s sleeping now. So you aren’t getting out of this Alec, I want to know what’s wrong.” Izzy said, her voice filled with determination as she pulled him down the corridor in the direction of his room.

Alec didn’t say much until they reached the bedroom that was now his since he’d become the Head of the institute. It was larger than he was used to; too large for him to even know that to do with really, since the few bits and pieces he had in it barely made it feel lived in. But even when his Mom came she refused to take it off his hands. Although to be fair he had been barely spending much time in that room since he spent as much time as possible at Magnus’, another reminder of how things had changed.

He swallowed as Izzy guided him to the king-sized bed, like she knew his legs would buckle if she didn’t support him, before she turned back to close the door while Alec sunk on to the bed. 

The bed didn’t feel right; it felt hard, misshapen and not made for comfort even with the added touches that were his right as the Head of the Institute. It wasn’t like Magnus’ bed that felt like sleeping on a cloud. There were crisp starched cotton sheets instead of heavenly silk that caressed his bare skin with each movement and reminded him of Magnus’ lips against the nape of his neck.

But he tried not to let his thoughts wander in that direction while Izzy stuck around, fixating instead on untying his shoes and leaning back into his pillow as Izzy slipped off her heels and crawled on to the bed to sit beside him, head tilted as she waited for him to find his words like she had done so many times before. 

Though back then she had only done so when Jace was the key, when he'd seen his brother with someone and his smile had fallen, like she had when he'd seen Clary and Jace kissing what felt like years instead of weeks ago.

But this was so much worse, what words could even do justice as to how he was feeling right now?

“So, want to tell me what really happened with you two?” Izzy asked, prodding his shin with bare red painted toes while her long fingers braided her hair over her shoulder.

“He needs time…time to figure out what to do about everything with the missing soul sword. About what’s best for the Warlocks and honestly, I think he just wanted to be away from me for a while.” Alec said, the words feeling like ash as they left his lips. 

“But he loves you….and you love him.” Izzy objected, as though it should be that easy. 

Angel, if only it was that easy.

“But he’s the High Warlock of Brooklyn who has to do what’s best for the warlocks….and I’m the Head of the institute who has to do what’s best for us Iz. We’re two different leaders who have two different sets of priorities we need to consider. We may love each other, but that love isn’t going to magically set the rest of the world to rights. Even if sometimes I wish it would.” Alec said, slumping back against the wall and picking at a stray stitch on the sleeve of his shirt to avoiding meet his sister’s gaze.

“So that’s it? You’re giving up?” Izzy asked, eyes wide as her fingers let go of her hair.

“Of course not, but there isn’t anything else I can do. If I’d just told him about the Soul Sword in the first place maybe this wouldn’t be happening. But no…as always I me-mess things up.” Alec croaked, the previously restrained tears reappearing in his throat and this time there was no way he could prevent them.

“Oh, Alec.” Izzy said gently, crawling up the bed so she was sat beside him and pulling him into a tight hug as the tears started to fall again, his face buried in his sister’s shoulder.

Izzy pressed a soft kiss to his head as she sighed.

“He loves you Alec, I know that deep down to my very bones. This will be hurting him just as much as it is you. But when all this is over, I promise that the wait will be worth it. You just need to be strong _hermano_.”

Alec’s sobs finally seemed to get the voice they were previously lacking, as the truth seemed to hit him harder now than it had before.

XOX

The walk back to the loft had felt like the best option the moment Magnus left the institute. Not just because a portal would have brought him to the loft filled with memories and pieces of Alec scattered around that Magnus wasn’t ready to face yet, but because with the time ticking down Magnus still hadn’t completely come to a decision about what to do.

He knew it should be so painfully simple. That he should tell the Seelie Queen he and the Warlocks were agreeing to follow her lead into war against the Clave, but he couldn’t. For one because the fire messages he’d been getting from other High Warlocks far and wide about the issue were mixed, there was no definitive answer and with no time for a national meeting to debate the pros and cons before seeing the Seelie Queen it left him still neck deep in turmoil.

He could always tell the Seelie Queen that the decision was unclear, would be dependent on the answers of the others, but she would still want to know what his opinion was. Because she was so callous and would probably be able to see he was hurting being parted from Alec. And again, he would still have no satisfactory answer for her.

He pushed his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket, burying his nose in the collar that smelt faintly of Alec’s cologne and Magnus’ cherry lip gloss from the one-night Alec had insisted they walk to their date instead of portal. Of when they ended up making out down an alley after with a portal waiting because Magnus refused to walk home too. It was a painful reminder that even with that distance he had pushed between him and Alec, the other would always be in the back of his thoughts, making him miss him painfully.

It was all well and good claiming that Alec was holding him back from making the vital decisions but even he knew it was half the truth. Because he wanted so much to believe Alec when he said that they could have both, that they could be the Leaders of their people and still be just Alec and Magnus as they both craved. But Magnus would always end up being seen as biased by his people if he didn’t act the right way. 

If he refused the Seelie Queen straight out she would have called him out on it; claimed he was losing himself to a Shadowhunter instead of thinking about the truth. That the Clave needed to be taken down a peg, for believing that they could keep order if they spread lies about them having weapons they didn’t possess to reinforce the fear that kept life in their preferred version of order. That the Downworlders needed to fight to show that they were just as powerful as the Shadowhunters to get what they wanted.

And yes all of that was true, but Alec had been trying. Alec wanted to change things, wanted the Downworlders to have a say in what went on even if there were feelings of mistrust lingering under the surface from years of oppression, he still wanted to try. It was admirable and something Luke had tried to remind him of when he came back from confronting Alec.

He was _trying_. He wasn’t just following the clave’s orders the way he used to, he was questioning things and trying to make things equal.

But Rome wasn’t built in a day. 

And to just give up on Alec’s notion when he hadn’t even been Head of the institute that long was just like admitting defeat before you even went into battle.

Magnus sighed softly as he continued to walk towards his apartment, his heart aching as the sight of Alec’s face as he walked away flashed before his eyes tauntingly. Of his beautiful eyes glistening with tears, and lips parted as though he wanted just to call his name to make him stop. Of the crack of his voice when he’d tried to make Magnus reconsider. Of his hands clasped with space between them where Magnus’ had sat before he pulled it away, the feel of Alec’s skin engulfing his hand still burning every inch of skin he’d touched.

The pain had been plain to see. As though he was so sure he was to blame for this whole situation and that was the only reason he hadn’t tried to push harder to make Magnus stay. The reason he hadn’t kissed Magnus because while it would have made them both melt at the close contact, which would have only changed things for a second, it wouldn’t have fixed things in the long term. It wouldn’t have come up with the magic solution that Magnus so desperately needed.

It would haunt him until this was over he was certain, twice as much as the memories that his loft held of them together. 

Finally he reached the apartment block, swallowing as he tried to prepare himself for the break down that was going to hit him like a tonne of bricks once he walked in the door. No matter how he’d tried to make Alec think this was easy for him, it was the complete opposite. Walking out the institute and leaving the love of his life behind with his heart had been the most painful thing he ever felt, something he never wanted to repeat ever again.

He tried not to dwell on it, even as he felt the tears building when he opened the door, and the silence of loft took him over once the door closed behind him. He hovered there taking in every piece of Alec scattered around the room. The chest for Alec’s bow and quiver after he fell over them in the middle of the night when he started to stay over, the shapeless fading black hoodie draped over the back of the couch for when he got cold, the book he’d been making his way through from Magnus’ personal collection and the fact he’d lengthened the couch so Alec could fit all of his 6’3 build on it.

Magnus swallowed as he slid his coat off to replace on the hook by the door, removing the Seelie Queen's rose as he toed off his boots and continued to pass all the little pieces as he went into his room where the Chairman was curled up on Alec’s pillow dozing. 

Even more pieces of Alec practically glared at him, a silence scream of _“What the hell did you do?”_ that had the tears finally giving way.

The spare stele on the dresser on Alec’s side of the bed with the glass of water and book on warlock history he’d been juggling, the towel over the chair in the corner drying from his last shower, the spare boots underneath that Magnus had insisted on buying for him and the spare charger for his phone. 

The golden silk sheets that reminded him of their first time together glimmered in the light through the gap in the curtain and Magnus just couldn’t take it as the memories took hold. The beautiful smile on Alec’s face, the feel of his fingers curling around Alec’s engulfed with callouses and nails bitten down the quick. The taste of salt on his tongue from worshipping Alec’s deflect rune, tracing it over and over with his tongue until he found Alec’s ticklish spot behind his ear. The sound of Alec’s groans and feel of his hands around his waist combined with the sound of Alec calling him beautiful when he saw his real eyes for the first time.

He bit his lip as he sat on the bed, set the Seelie Queen’s rose on the dresser before pulling the Omamori from his trouser pocket where it had been sitting since he had left his loft when Alec came for him. 

He toyed with it between his fingers, hearing Alec shyly telling him what it was for and the smile on his face before they kissed. How it had long since become his anchor and he knew he was going to need it now more than ever until he had Alec physically back in his life.

He set the Omamori on the dresser too with his phone before beginning to undress, feeling too emotional to have to deal with anything else right now. Not that it stopped him grabbing one of Alec’s shirts from the closet and pulling it on, even if it clashed with the silk pyjama pants he was wearing, before climbing under the covers.

The chairman immediately migrated on to his chest as Magnus turned the light out with a click of his fingers, letting the tears fall silently in the dark as he pulled Alec’s pillow closer to him and let his face bury in the smell of Alec’s shampoo that still lingered. For now.

True he had more difficult decisions he still needed to make, decisions he would never be able to run away from, but for now he was hoping and praying that when it was all over there would be an Alec there waiting for him. Because he would never forgive himself if this war saw him losing the most important man in his many years…all because of some hard truths whispered in his ear.

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> [ My Tumblr.](http://bloodspeckledraphael.tumblr.com/)


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